Update, Thoughts And Transparency

*Hi friends. I've been working on this post off and on for awhile now. The first several paragraphs reflect how I was feeling a few weeks ago and while I'm feeling better; I am still recovering. That means I still have days I don't feel well as a result of this and am dealing with the effects of what happened. And we are still working and digging to investigate a few things we've found out through this setback I've had. That's the only good thing I can say about it. Having said that, and just so you know, let me also say that the beginning of this post is filled with some frustration and agitation. I considered rewriting most of it and while I did take out a few sentences, I decided to leave the rest as isAuthenticity in the good and the bad. The latter half of this blog was written recently. As always, thanks for reading.*                                              

In all honesty, I've been dreading writing this update. Not because I don't have something to say but more so because it takes such energy to put it all in context and present a readable post. And truly, I've just not felt well enough to do that for quite awhile. And I guess I really haven't been able to find the words either.

I've had several people writing and asking me how I am, what's going on, what caused my setback, etc, etc, so I'm trying to put something together here to give those who are interested an update. And for my Chronic Lyme friends who understand the kinds of setbacks that can happen, you know how very frustrating it is when you're feeling some better but still recovering and try explaining that to others (in as few words as possible) and yet it still never fails; somebody always interprets it in a totally different way. Mostly because they do not know because they don't have to live with it. I also think people do not realize the magnitude of it. And I get that. How can you really understand what you've never experienced before?

So one tries not to come across as being defensive or aggravated but in truth, to some degree, you are because you're still dealing with the physical and emotional affects of the setback and it is annoying and disheartening when others can't hear you or deal with what you're going through. Even after all these years, it is still frustrating at certain times to me; more so when I'm feeling like crap. That's one reason I reel it all in during these times. So if you're reading this and don't understand what I'm trying to say, please don't take it personal. I'm only expressing what so many of us who live with debilitating, chronic illnesses go through.

Okay, now I'll get to what's been going on.

I have to say this setback was very unexpected and very different. And it has left me feeling differently. So it's not business as usual for me. But then again; it never was. I'm not up for chitchat or small talk. And it's not because I'm aloof. It's because I'm working to recover from this and it's exhausting; arduous. And there are times it is also deeply discouraging and flat out frustrating, particularly after so many years. I do know the wearying, roller coaster nature of chronic illness, as does anyone who lives with it. I'm familiar with the ups and downs; the highs and lows; the dips and drops; the unexpected detours and the sudden stops. But it's still no fun whatsoever when such things occur.

So here's what happened...

I got a bad cold this past February/March, which went into a lingering respiratory infection that I had major trouble getting over. Of course that suppressed my immune system more and, in turn, allowed the Borrelia (Lyme bacteria) and who knows what else to become more active. In fact, it stirred up some things I've not had to deal with since before starting on my Lyme treatment.

Before February, before that darn respiratory infection, I was actually feeling some better overall. My doctor and I both felt like I was holding my own with the Lyme. I was able to be up longer throughout the day. I was having some better energy and not running fevers as often. My stamina was better. I was standing thirty minutes almost everyday.

Not now.

I should interject here that I've been breaking from the Lyme treatment protocol since last fall. My body wanted and needed a break. However, because of what happened during this setback, I'm now back on part of the protocol. And it is helping.

It's a long story.

I know that usually causes others to pause upon hearing or reading those wordsit's a long story because what does that mean really?  It's a long story because it really is a long story or because you don't want to go into it or because you don't physically feel like going into it?

For me, it's all the above.

So while this is an update, I'm not going into a lot of detail. I am feeling better than I was during the height of this but just as the word implies; I have been set-back. And I'm still dealing with the effects of it. We have also found out some things we didn't know before through this and that is one of the things we are pursuing right now. And I am thankful to have such a caring doctor who works with me.

I want to end by saying I understand how brokenhearted, lost, discouraged, perplexed, dejected, and hopeless life circumstances can leave us feeling; be it by illness, injury, the death of a loved one, abuse, betrayal or any other number of things people go through.

I have learned only Jesus can walk with us through such feelings and circumstances. Only He can take us through those places we must go. Only He can journey the roughest, most painful terrain with us.

Yes, we have family and friends who walk with us and support us too. And we need them. Absolutely. But they can only go so far with us. There comes a time when we realize only God can accompany us to the deepest depths of those places. Only He can take us through the valley.

Jesus truly is the friend that sticks closer than anybody else can.

I have spent many days and weeks at a time in the bed because I've been so sick and deeply exhausted, not only during this most recent setback but also throughout these many years of illness as well. And during many of these times, I've literally wept my heart out. I have cried out to the Lord to help me; to change what was happening to me because I couldn't take anymore. Or at least I thought I couldn't. But I'm still here.

I've asked my fair share of jaw-dropping questions, too. And I've expressed my doubts, anger and frustrations with Him. I don't care what anybody else tells you; transparency is the way to go with God. I've come to know Him much more intimately through my honesty and transparency with Him. And my faith is stronger as a result. I can assure you; He won't be shocked or undone by anything. He'll be the One still standing with you. And He'll be the One to carry you when you can't go on anymore.

~ Michelle

Copyright © 2012 Michelle Holderman


  1. Oh Michelle. I Love you, friend. I'm so sorry to hear you've been having such a tough time lately. Thanks for the update and keeping us posted. When you're ready to talk, I'm here. XOXOXO

    1. Kathy, you are so sweet! Thank you, friend. I am feeling better emotionally. Working on some things physically. How are you? XXXOOO

  2. Always praying for you Michelle. I am sorry that you have had a rough go but I am thankful that you know God and that he is able to bring comfort to you. Much love.

    1. Thank you so much, Ginny! God is definitely a comfort as I know He is for you as well. Haven't been able to read many blogs for the last little while but I hope you are doing as well as possible. Hope to pop over and catch up with you and some other blogger friends soon. I appreciate you taking the time to come by. Much love to you too :)