This Long And Winding Road: Update 4

These past few days have been a struggle. I'm now in the seventh month of my treatment protocol for Lyme disease, and I'm finding the further we go into it, the more difficult and challenging it gets.

I'm learning a lot more about this chronic state of Lyme disease. I'm also coming to understand more about the strains of Borrelia bacteria that cause various symptoms. Nothing like being up close and personal with a load of Lyme spirochetes. And I am learning more about the vicious nature of not only the disease itself but the controversy surrounding it.

Now I'm no wimp; I've lived with this debilitating illness for almost two decades and have developed a rather unique toughness about me. I am very familiar with the wearying roller-coaster nature of chronic illness. I know what it is to have to dig in for the long haul, and I understand the necessity of perseverance. I also know it is God who has sustained me through this. Still, it has been anything but easy.

I was told by my doctor that things tend to get worse before they get better. Herxheimer reactions or healing crises are common during treatment. And believe me, I clearly understand this is a major process. You know the old cliche' - sick and tired of being sick and tired? Well, that's me. I'm feeling really worn out by all of it. Not that I haven't felt that way a million times before, but I think there is something really profound and different happening in my body now. Perhaps, then, it would make sense that this would be more difficult.

I've also been thinking about the fact that this illness has been misdiagnosed all of these years. MS, Primary Lateral Sclerosis, Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome, Chronic Mono, and Post-viral Demyelinating Syndrome. These are a few of the diagnoses I've gotten over time, but Lyme disease is what has been underlying all along.

Some days, the unfairness of it all wants to creep into my mind and heart. I sometimes wonder what the difference in my life would be like had I been properly diagnosed early on. I know this thinking is not productive whatsoever, so I don't entertain it for long, I can't because ultimately, I know there is a greater purpose in this, and that is what motivates me to keep going. I choose to trust God.

Chronic illness is really exhausting - physically, emotionally, financially, and yes, even spiritually at times. It often seems like an unending and ruthless battle, and sometimes my heart just aches for better days. Yet through the most difficult of times, I really have found Jesus to be closest. Psalm 34:18 is undoubtedly true: "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."

I do have some specific prayer requests. First and foremost, please continue praying for my endurance and comfort. This was specific from the Lord, and I ask that you pray this above all else.

Secondly, I am experiencing shortness of breath. This is something I've dealt with throughout this illness but is now being exacerbated by the treatment. Basically, it's the Lyme. My doctor feels there is nothing we can do to fully alleviate it, but she has put me on something that is helping. However, I still have times I experience this, especially when I move around a lot. It's no fun and adds to my already existent fatigue, so please pray for this to totally subside.

In the meantime, I will keep on traveling this long and winding road, perhaps with that very Beatles tune cranked up too. I might have to crawl to get there, and I might even have to stop for a while, but I will go on. And. I will ever keep reminding myself of two things: God's grace is sufficient for me (2 Corinthians 12:9), and never, never, never give up (Winston Churchill).

Thanks so much for all the prayers!


Michelle Holderman
Copyright © 2011


  1. I'll continue praying for you! I was just wondering about you not too long ago! Thanks for the update. What a road God has you on! Take care!

  2. Emily, your thoughts and prayers really do mean a lot to me! Thank you so much for following along. I can't wait to blog and give glory to God for what He is going to accomplish through all of this! Bless you and your family.

  3. Appreciate this update. Praying comfort, endurance and HEALING for you! Can't wait for that testimony!!!

  4. As always, Lisa; thank you so much! Bless you friend :)

  5. So weird. You have been on my heart lately more than normal. I will step up my throne room visits. The Father might even get sick of me :){{{hugs}}} my friend and mentor!

  6. Colleen, I don't think the Father will ever get tired of you coming before Him. You're His precious daughter :)

    Thank you so much for your heartfelt thoughts and prayers! It always means something to me. (((Hugs right back to you friend!)))

  7. Just checking back to read any postings you may have written.

    I’ve been following and enjoying your blog for a while now and would like to invite you to visit and perhaps follow me back. Sorry I took so long for the invitation.

  8. I will keep you in my prayer, Jesus is in the midst of this storm with you and if He can afford to sleep, then you can also rest in his faithfulness to carry you thru:)

  9. Covenant Keeper - Thank you so much for stopping by and following my blog! Much appreciated! I accept your invitation. The Lord bless and keep you!

    Toyin - Such a beautiful and truthful statement!I needed that reminder. Thank you so much for coming by and for your prayers! The Lord bless and keep you!