Tuesday, September 13, 2011

My Thoughts Today

Do I dare try an explain where I am right now? After seventeen long years of chronic illness and a full year of being on this Lyme protocol I'm not sure what to say. The ups and downs of this treatment in general have been challenging but it seems this summer has been more difficult than I can articulate. At times my thoughts drift to what my life might be like had I not been misdiagnosed for so long. But it is a futile pursuit that I must yield to my faith.

Some days, I feel like things are going pretty well and I'm making improvements. Other days, I feel like no matter what I do; absolutely nothing changes except perhaps to get a little worse. And still other days, I feel like a yo-yo in a constant state of flux between these two opposites. One can't fully explain that to another and expect them to understand unless they've experienced it for themselves. It's so frustrating and sometimes it's very discouraging. This is like the roller coaster ride that never lets you get off. Oh it might slow down every so often but it never fully stops. It yanks its riders away to unthinkable heights and depths and curves and dips and drops.

Despite all that, I will say this illness has certainly been a teacher to me in many ways. I have learned a great deal. And I'm making many wonderful friends that I would never otherwise get the opportunity to know. Common experience does bond us together.

Yet this is a lonely journey. I feel very misunderstood at times. I feel sad and subdued somedays. I often find myself in the cracks and along the margins. I'm not saying that to be melodramatic; I'm simply telling you what my experience has been. But I've also found these are the places where Jesus is as well. He's there; inviting us all to lay our burdens down.

My faith in Christ is the anchor that has truly kept me all these years. And even though this journey is extremely difficult, my faith is not lacking; it is thriving and helping me survive. I believe true faith is not defined by the absence of questions or doubts but rather it is believing in spite of them.

Through the deepest depths of sickness and debility, through the many frustrations, uncertainties, losses and tears, through the highs and the lows, one thing is for certain; I can only take one day at a time. I can only trust in Jesus. And I can only hold onto faith.

These are my thoughts today.

~ Michelle

Copyright © 2011 Michelle Holderman


2 comments:

  1. Beautiful thoughts.....I am nodding my head in agreement...Sometimes I wonder where I would be IF I had been correctly diagnosed back in 1985 instead of 2007. My hubby was not diagnosed with Lyme right away either...10 yrs later! So here we are fighting this battle but like you said we are not alone.Jesus walks with us...side by side and like he tells us in Exodus..."The Lord will fight for you....just stay calm". Some days that is how it has to be.
    Hope each day gets better for you...with healing coming!

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  2. Thank you, Renee. I appreciate you stopping by. You are so right; sometimes we must wait on the Lord and allow Him to go before us. The battle is His and not ours. I'm so sorry to hear both you and your husband suffer from Lyme too. I went to your blog earlier and have been reading through some of your posts. Looking forward to following along with you. I pray and believe healing is coming for all of us. Much love to you and your family!

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