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I don't write much anymore about chronic illness or Lyme disease here on The Ragamuffin Saint. I used to but felt led by the Holy Spirit to start a separate blog dedicated to Lyme and my health a few years ago.
People who follow this blog still occasionally ask how I am doing or how my health is, and I certainly appreciate it. It's always meaningful when someone remembers you and what you're going through or dealing with, even if they don't fully know or understand the details.
Still, it's not such an easy question to answer; it's not so cut and dry because there's a lot involved. Ask anyone with a chronic illness, and I'm pretty sure they'll tell you the same.
Some days it's easier not to go into it, and other days, it needs to be said.
I suppose this is one of those days it needs to be said. However, this isn't necessarily about the status of my physical health. I think I need to speak some truth about this ongoing process, and I have learned the process is vitally important; it's hard but necessary.
The Lord promised me healing MANY years ago, and I've always believed Him. In the meantime, He told me, His grace was sufficient for me. Now I'm not just quoting Scripture here (2 Corinthians 12:9). He said those very words to me, right after the part where He promised me healing.
And so I continue to wait.
I can honestly say I still believe, but that hasn't automatically made this easy. Nor does it mean I always understand; I do not. But I do trust Him. Perhaps I should say I've learned to trust Him through these long years of waiting, which isn't something that can just be taught. Trusting Him must be learned through personal experience.
I have found there is always deep learning and beauty hidden within a mess for us to discover. And there certainly are deeper places in Him I have journeyed and discovered through this, places I don't think I could have found anywhere else.
Keeping the faith, continuing to believe, and trusting Him, which also means trusting in His purpose and His timing, is often a choice, an intentional choosing. By that I mean, I choose these things. I choose to keep trusting; I choose to stay in faith. It's actually much easier now twenty-one years into this because I've better learned how to do that, and I just know in my spirit He will do what He said He would do. I've come to better know His character, His nature, and I know He cannot lie.
It's on the hardest of days, though, when I have to purpose in my heart to keep holding onto what I know, despite how I physically or emotionally feel.
Honestly, it's not been easy being sick for so long or having every facet of my life affected by it. It's not easy working long and hard to be well (it really is a full-time job, by the way). And it's not always easy dealing with the opinions, beliefs, and judgments of other people, but you learn to better deal with it all as time goes on and certainly with His help.
I don't understand all of the whys, but I do know what He's shown me, and what He has shown me trumps all because He has the final authority over my life. So I continue doing my part and trust He is doing His. I focus on the truth of what I know and ask for His grace to keep going.
Through the years, I've tried to balance the reality of still being chronically ill (better but still ill) with the truth of who I am and who I am becoming. It is a process, and I see that wisdom and development truly come through it [the process]. I've also come to understand just how much God likes the actual process because of its unparalleled value; one learns many things deep in the process you don't elsewhere.
Keeping the faith, continuing to believe, and trusting Him, which also means trusting in His purpose and His timing, is often a choice, an intentional choosing. By that I mean, I choose these things. I choose to keep trusting; I choose to stay in faith. It's actually much easier now twenty-one years into this because I've better learned how to do that, and I just know in my spirit He will do what He said He would do. I've come to better know His character, His nature, and I know He cannot lie.
It's on the hardest of days, though, when I have to purpose in my heart to keep holding onto what I know, despite how I physically or emotionally feel.
Honestly, it's not been easy being sick for so long or having every facet of my life affected by it. It's not easy working long and hard to be well (it really is a full-time job, by the way). And it's not always easy dealing with the opinions, beliefs, and judgments of other people, but you learn to better deal with it all as time goes on and certainly with His help.
I don't understand all of the whys, but I do know what He's shown me, and what He has shown me trumps all because He has the final authority over my life. So I continue doing my part and trust He is doing His. I focus on the truth of what I know and ask for His grace to keep going.
Through the years, I've tried to balance the reality of still being chronically ill (better but still ill) with the truth of who I am and who I am becoming. It is a process, and I see that wisdom and development truly come through it [the process]. I've also come to understand just how much God likes the actual process because of its unparalleled value; one learns many things deep in the process you don't elsewhere.
The truth is, He's had a plan all along. It's become more evident along the way, not all at once, but over the years as we've traveled this long, hard road together. I can also better see how His supernatural grace has truly been a preserving factor for me.
Essentially, I do what I've been called by Him to do, as well as I can, in the context of where I am in my life presently. I walk in who I am, even though I'm not physically well yet, and it is the Jesus in me, "the hope of Glory," who empowers and authorizes me to do this.
It might seem like a contradiction to some, but if I've learned one thing, I've learned this: God's ways are nothing like ours. He functions on a truly higher plane. We have to learn to sync up with Him; come up higher, so to speak. We have to obediently walk the path He's laid out for us, regardless of what anyone else says or thinks.
Basically, He sees the big picture, and mostly, we do not. This is where trusting Him is most important, and truthfully, it's the most costly. It is an investment in the future, although we don't usually understand that at the time.
We often want out of our circumstances so we can move on when God is actually using them to take us where He wants us to go. We can faithfully believe and hold onto His promises without realizing how He has chosen to fulfill them. In other words, our preparation is often happening through our process - it's happening in the meantime.
Despite the hardships, I know His purpose for my life is ultimately prevailing, and it is happening in the meantime. This is the place we must be careful not to despise, or grow to because it is often the very place where He teaches, trains, matures, and readies us for our Kingdom purpose.
And this is exactly where I've been all these years.
It's where you'll still find me - living in the meantime of His sufficient grace.
Michelle Holderman
Copyright © 2015
He said to me, “My grace is sufficient [more than enough] for you because My power is made perfect in weakness.” So I’ll gladly spend my time bragging about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power can rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
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